Wow, the big day has arrived. The day we've laughed about, cried about, talked about, moved camp schedules around for, the day we thought (assumed) might never happen is upon us. By this evening, my ex-husband's virgin bride will get a taste of what she's in for for the rest of her Christian existence here on Earth. God bless. I'm not the jealous ex-wife, bitter ol' bitch, the one throwing shade on their lives, it's just something I never thought would happen. It took a bit to come to terms with the fact that my kids would grow up in a non-traditional household, it weighed heavy on me before I left that I wanted better for them, did not want them shuffled between two homes until they're 18, certainly could not even imagine what a step mom, girlfriend or any random trash bag my ex would bring around might look like (don't pity him, thanks to his antics I've developed a near-psychic vision into the future and trust me, he's earned every single assumption I jump 100 paces to get to). It was what kept me hanging on for all those years. Well, that and fear. But that's a story for another day. The failure of a family unit and all the torturous guilt and how-do-I-get-out-of-bed-today anguish has all been swallowed, absorbed, mourned, processed, and placed in the rear-view awhile back. But this day... THIS day sucks worse. This is the day my reason for living suddenly inherit, through no decision of their own, a step mom...and her entire family, complete with all the baggage and bullshit of any other typical American family. A fucking step mom. I have to stop and take it all in. She's a lovely woman, don't get me wrong. She comes complete with Christian values (this makes one of us), a sweet disposition, long strawberry blonde hair, a gracious (albeit MILF-of-a) mom, a rich, Southern, protective, wealthy, workaholic Daddy, a seemingly picture-perfect upbringing, white picket fence, 2 dogs, and a bible. And my ex-husband got all this for just $10k (my estimate of what the rock set him back). I could go into all the reasons he doesn't deserve her, but shit he certainly didn't deserve me. Or the adorable children we brought into the world. But I digress. My children are away for 2 weeks for this wedding and Santana said something to me last week that took my breath away. There have been only a handful of life events that have taken my breath away, 2 of them being the first time I laid eyes on my precious babies, another when Santana told me the best part about coming back to my house when they've been away for 2 weeks. I had all these sweet things conjured up in my mind of what she might look forward to most. Would it be a huge bear hug after 2 weeks apart? Going paddle boarding together? Going for a sail on Cherokee Rose? Maybe a girls-only canoe ride over to Skogies for breakfast? Pedicures? My brain was swirling with all the fun I couldn't wait to have once they come back home. NOPE. "I'll come back and I'll have a step mom!!!" Oh. That. A step mom. Right. Fucking sweet. Just what I was excited about too. A step mom. I've thought long and hard about what I need to say to Katie. Do I ask her to please be kind to them? Treat them like her own? Be the best damn example of a female role model you've ever known? Keep your words kind, let my kids be kids? How did you fall in love with that asshole? Whoops, that wasn't it. What do you say to a person you never wanted or planned to be part of your life that will be equally influential on your babies' upbringing? Words have escaped me, and still do. What do you say? How do you put the enormity of it all into words? I feel like I'm in some sort of purgatory, holding my breath until I see how this goes, battling my own doubts and fears about what could and might happen. Trying hard to let go of those things out of my control. But I've never met anyone who can effectively do that (if they're being honest), have you? Until they are back in my arms, I will wait to exhale because I feel that's all I'm capable of doing for the time being.
And before you ask, no, I didn't write their wedding vows for them. :)
Xo
k.
And before you ask, no, I didn't write their wedding vows for them. :)
Xo
k.
